As bland as suburban life is or can be, sometimes I sit down and think about whatever has happened in the last week, two weeks, or month. When I sit down and really breathe, I tend to realize that plenty of stuff has happened that may be categorized as "interesting." You just don't get to stop and realize that when you're just focused on living your day to day. The word "interesting" can be such a dumb word. The lack of specificity behind the word comes up if you're like me and get tired trying to figure out how best to describe whatever you feel or think sometimes. Isn't that silly? Laziness is just... beachy. Back on topic, plenty has happened in 21 days I left blank. In the 21 days I left blank... (By the way, the picture on the left is the last selfie I took in my Nissan... *single tear*)
So that's a bunch of little things that have occurred in the time of 21 days. Most of it is pretty darn good or at least neutral. But there sure have been things that are a bit less awesome. 12. That Nissan I was talking about? I have to say bye-bye to my trusty car because someone hit my car. Could have really injured my mom or worse. 13. Those waves of self-doubt and heavy self-criticism comes more often when you're working. 14. You know what else starts popping up again? The little voices in your head making you worry about how you look and how much you might weigh if you keep eating out. 15. Sometimes you get really worried and scared for someone you love. And it feels like the world is falling down around you. But the thing is, things always look up if you look up. 16. I managed to get another car in time. It's technically an upgrade. 17. It takes some reflection and plenty of calming down, but eventually those feelings of doubt lessen and maybe eventually stop. 18. Being able to talk to someone or a few people about that always helps. Thankful for those people in my life who get it. 19. The world is not falling down. Lose sleep, cry, be worried, but be there. And there are a few things I found out I want to do this summer that I have yet to do. But I'm waiting for good reason. 20. The Museum of Fine Arts, Houston's exhibit "Kusama: At the End of the Universe" looks absolutely breathtaking! I want to go see it with my boyfriend when he comes back to Texas. The exhibit ends mid-September I believe. Don't quote me on that. 21. The Blanton Museum of Art has a gorgeous exhibit by an Asian artist as well :) Xu Bing's "Book from the Sky"is in Austin! Here till January. I also want to go see that. There's also some other great exhibits going on, such as Arts of Asia at MFAH. If you want to beat the heat and not do something too pricey, museums are always a fantastic option.
We are half way through the summer! Make the most of it.
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I totally understand why people only move to the suburbs after starting a family with their significant other, if they choose to. It really sucks to not have anything to do in suburbia. Welcome to the nicest first world hell. I'm joking yet I am serious. I haven't updated this in a while. I guess not much worth sharing as happened lately. Honestly, not much worth sharing ever happens. It's just a matter of turning the bland into something that seems better than it is. Or maybe it's seeing the good in everything. Take your pick. Out of sheer boredom, no desire to do anything productive after 5PM, and lack of Netflix to watch, here is some lovely poetry written by those recognized for their way with words.
There were actually no stars to be visibly seen last night, to be honest. Therefore,the title of this blog post is rather misleading if you take it on a serious, literal sense. "A sky full of stars and he was staring at her" - Atticus But it isn't about the literal meaning. It's about the feeling. Really though. I've never been so happy to be with person. Never felt so lucky or loved. Never been so crazy about someone. I love the boy kissing my cheek in the picture of the left with 300% of my heart. Sometimes you find someone who sees the best and worst parts of you, and loves you no matter what. Someone who looks at you and thinks you're absolutely gorgeous, even when the only effort you put into that day was rolling out of bed. Someone who is ready to take on a journey with you. Someone who sees a "sky full of stars" and stares at you instead because you're the most beautiful, special, important thing to him. And I've found that person for me. How lucky am I? Today Avi will be in Minnesota. I'm super sad that he's officially in another state for the next two and a half months, but still super proud of him. I distracted myself as much as I could to make sure I didn't sit around just moping all day like the clingy koala I am. Thankfully, a friend was back in town! Coffee and lunch never does the day wrong. Plus, retail therapy? I checked that off my list, too. Coping.
I'm sure there's plenty of people who think I'm completely nuts and need to chill it on the lovey dovey mush about my relationship. I totally understand that, but at the end of the day, I can't care. It's not like I throw PDA in everyone's face every single day, right? And it's been five months, going on to the sixth of our official anniversary day. In the larger picture, five months is a long time but not THAT long. In the last five months, I've learned a lot about myself and made efforts to become a better person, too. It's been good. Not perfect since we do have our arguments and differences. But still, pretty darn near perfect in my opinion. After dating someone for a while, it gets easier and easier to pick at little things and find faults. You don't love them less, but sometimes you forget to show them how much you appreciate and adore them. I hope that I continue to trust, appreciate, and grow with him. Even apart from each other, we talk a lot and keep each other in our daily lives. Two months will most likely go by quickly, with me counting down the days till he flies back to Texas and I get to see him. Of course, I'm still trying to figure out if I can go up north to see my guy for Fourth of July weekend. In the future, I'll probably start writing more about my internship (no details, just general "how I'm feeling so far" deals), hopefully about calligraphy (gotta start on that!), and whatever else happens. The summer has treated me well thus far. I expect it won't let me down!
I'm totally kidding. The cake was made for the friend we were visiting in Arlington, where she goes to college. The friend has been going through a rough time so we thought visiting her would be nice. Plus, red velvet cake is her favorite so why not bring her something she likes consuming as well? I think we're pretty good as a surprise but a cake is probably actually better. Our little surprise for our friend was ALMOST a disaster though! I won't go into all the tiny details, but we could have really messed up and ended up in Arlington outside her apartment while she was at her grandmother's house. Thankfully, one of us (not me) realized that we might run into a problem when we get there so we ended up telling her an hour into our drive there. Ultimately, it wasn't a full surprise anymore, but we still kind of surprised her. The conversation I had with her via Messenger was hilarious. Even though the traffic getting to Arlington/Dallas was horrendous (just ask the guy who did the driving), it was a worthwhile trip. We had dinner in downtown Dallas then went back to her apartment to eat cake and chill. It felt really nice to be able to sit down with friends and laugh without worrying about work or having to study for a test.
It also helped me not think too much about Avi leaving Texas in two weeks and how I'm going to start working soon. My sweet guy going to Minnesota makes me sad, but I know he's going to be gone for only a little bit in the grand scheme of things. My internship gives that nervous but excited feeling in my tummy when I think about it. I know it'll be fine though! We ended up going to bed pretty early for a group of college students plus one recent grad turned grad student, but our friend had work the next morning and we planned on leaving in the morning, too. Although it was a short visit, it was fun and made me feel a bit brighter about the summer to come. I've been a little bit glum lately and being stuck at home with nothing to do didn't help. Being able to see a treasured friend, eating half a red velvet cake with friends, and being out of the house for a day was refreshing. I'm now back to reality. Tomorrow I have to pack for a trip to Dallas again. This time for my internship. I still miss my boyfriend a lot, but it's starting to get a little easier (I know it will never be completely easy though). Life isn't always in our control but we always have to make the best of it. Nothing screams "suburbs" like all the coffee shops in the area closing by 10pm on any day of the week. Actually, we only have three different places to go around here for decent coffee and one of them closes by 8pm. Tell me that ISN'T ridiculous. So, if you read my last blog post you know that I'm on that "trying to get used to not having the boyfriend around all the time" struggle bus right now and it freaking sucks since I'm pretty stuck on that routine of spending time with him. But it's something I'll have to adjust to whether or not I want to because it's good for me and I don't have any say in this situation. One of the things that will help me get my crap together for the summer, besides my full work week when my internship starts, is to pick up old and new hobbies/activities to fill my day. This is especially important since I can't always rely on my friends to distract me. Some of them are only in town sometimes and others have their own schedules to follow. I also can't expect my boyfriend to always talk to me via text or Facebook messaging when him and I are free. He's going to make friends in Minnesota and will probably want to hang out with the guys and gals he's interning with in his free time rather than talk to me. Plus, he's definitely not as attached to chatting with people over text as I am. Having things to do when I'm idle so that I'm not fully idle will be an important part of how I keep myself sane this summer. Activities like shopping, online shopping, and browsing Netflix/DramaFever/**insert name of website where you can watch anime here** are not the activities or hobbies I'm talking about. As much as I love Netflix/DramaFever/**insert anime site name here**, I can't always just watch things. I've also come to realize that it doesn't fully distract me most of the time and, if "everything sucks," it makes me more frustrated.
There's the potential of me actually being busy even after leaving work. I asked a former intern about his experience interning last summer, and he told me that I'll probably be working after the work day is technically over. There will be plenty for me to learn and get used to for my internship. It'll be a super busy, intense, but hopefully fulfilling summer for this marketing major. However, I do anticipate that here will be days where I will need a break or will have time on my hands. When will I do then? Let me tell you what I don't want to do. I don't want to be always taking a nap to pass the time. I don't want to watch another T.V. show. I don't want to watch more YouTube videos or vlogs, even though I love vlogs. I don't want to annoy the hell out of my boyfriend by constantly bugging him to talk. I say "no!" to online shopping without any intention to buy. Nor do I want to spend the rest of my summer scrolling through Instagram or Snapchat. That's not learning anything or adding any value to my life. That's just... barely living out anything. With the exception of talking to Avi of course! I love talking to him, but I won't and can't always do that as I stated earlier. Now, let me tell you what I do want to do. Go workout. Duh. That's a given. Play piano because I miss those days... kind of. Sing because I've always loved doing that and I don't really care if other people care to listen. It's for me. Pick up calligraphy! That's a big one. Brush pens, I've decided, are going to my step one writing tool of choice. Read more. That's not something I get to do as much during the academic year, so hey! I'm taking advantage of the summer. Write more. I don't just mean this kind of journal-like writing. Once again, it'll be for me even if I do share it with other people. Bake yummy things like I used to in my spare time! Yay, food! There will be days I just want to do "nothing" and watch television while munching on hot Cheetos. I already know there will be so many nights that I'll really want to call my boyfriend and hear his voice, but I either can't because I have work to do or because he's busy or wants to hang out with other people. I'll have to learn to deal with not hearing from him for a day or two. I'll have to learn to not have my friends around to hang out with me as well, especially since we are all growing up right now and have our own separate lives. More than ever, my friend circle is growing apart or unable to just mess around all day. It's all a part of growing up and starting that whole "adulting" thing people talk about. Guess we'll see how everything pans out, huh?
Obviously, I can't wallow in my sadness all of summer and it's not like not seeing my boyfriend for two months will just wreck me completely. It's just an adjustment thing, you know. Adjusting back to life without him consistently in it. I have the feeling that it's a lot harder for me to do so than it is for him, which doesn't mean anything more than I am someone who is extremely fixed on routine and attached to people I care about. Although it'll take time to get used to, everything is going to be okay. This summer is going to be a big one. Him and I both know that going into the future there will be more times that him and I won't be able to be next to each other for work purposes or other reasons because life is unexpected. During those times, we'll have to deal with long distance again. This summer might be one of many times to come that we'll have to make things work. At least it's only two months. In addition to all that, this is my final internship before leaping into senior year and my future career. I'm not saying that this internship will definitely dictate where I will be headed for the rest of my life, but it'll be huge because it's such an important learning experience and possibility for my future. My peers and I are straddling the line between being seen as an adult and being an almost adult. DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE FEAR AND EXCITEMENT DEEP WITHIN THEIR BONES? Because I certainly do. This is it, guys. It's also going to be a big summer because I've decided to (excuse the cheesiness) "find myself" the next few months before another hectic semester. I'll be at university for the spring semester too but that is something that basically happened due to scheduling conflicts. That semester will feel like a half semester since I'll be taking two classes, unless I decide to take some fun classes as fillers. I've been meaning to write out what I mean by "find myself" for a while now, but haven't done so yet. I'll get to it. It's good for accountability and personal clarity purposes. It'll also be good for me to have goals and time fillers this summer outside of work and talking to my boyfriend or hanging out with friends when they are free. All I've done today is read articles online, watch Lost Girl, and mope around the house. It's not that productive. Articles to read: > How Moleskine Went From Parisian Scribble Pad to Global Icon - Adweek > Against the grain - The Economist > GMOs Are Safe, But Don't Always Deliver On Promises, Top Scientists Say: The Salt - NPR > A Couple In Chicago - The New Yorker Music to appreciate:
> The Firebird (The Original Version): Scene 1: Infernal Dance of Kastchei and his subjects under the Firebird's magical spell - Igor Stravinsky; Philharmonia Orchestra > My Heart With You - The Rescues Weebly is just being a fine, fine website today. That was sarcasm by the way because man, this site gets a bit buggy. You know what a really nice Sunday feels like? It feels like today plus being able to cuddle in bed before going to dim sum. The weather is absolutely on point for working at a lakeside cafe with your serious-looking sweetie sitting across from you and a Vietnamese iced coffee plus lemon bar next to you. See that picture to the left of this text? I'm wearing that necklace right now. Yes, right now. It's (as the caption says) a gift I received from my mummy dearest's friend and daughter. So lovely. So nice. Such goodness. The last few days have been really simple but sweet for the most part. I don't recall ever feeling so cuddled up as I have since my one and only final was over and I got to spend hooooouuuurrrrrs with the boyfriend watching Netflix. The only hitch(es)? I have a Bandaid on my face with another little cut above that Bandaid thanks to schizo-kitty (just kidding, Jane... you're just a little bit catty... ha) and the boyfriend passed out last night in his apartment with no one home, which makes me a paranoid girl and him a guy with a bruise on the back of his head. In other words, we are both a mess. Good thing is, apparently I'm still kind of cute with a bandage stuck to my face and it's totally fine that everywhere I go there must be people that stare at me like "what happened to her?" And he seems fine so far. Paranoid girlfriend is waiting for a doctor's "you are okay" note for the boyfriend before returning to normal girlfriend status. In the meantime, he gets plenty of hugs and kisses with a dash of overbearing significant other. He's also dealing with other things that make him very deserving of lots of love. He's my "pupper", figuratively speaking. Besides all of that, there's not too much going on. My internship starts on the 25th and he's leaving town for his home before flying to his internship in another state (gasp plus cry) at the end of this week. I'm counting down the days he comes back as soon as I won't be able to have him in front of me for a while. Insert frown-y face here. The great thing about technology is that I get to FaceTime when both of us have time! It's comforting to know that I'll easily be able to reach him when I miss him and I'll be missing him a lot. I'll essentially be the puppy that gets really excited as soon as its owner comes back home. I'm not saying he owns me. He does not own me. I'm just saying that's my excitement level. A baby seems on the verge of a tantrum in this cafe. Baby's mommy to the rescue! Before I keep talking about my feelings (how exciting, right?) or start exposing my ability to throw shade and drag a girl if she shows any sign of trying to make a move on my guy (it's happened before and I was an inch close to destroying something), here's the only interesting part of the blog post! I have a tendency to write longer poems similar to prose nowadays. My writing style has evolved through college, which isn't bad. But I do want to switch it up and grow more as a writer this summer. While I'll be busy with my internship, I'll also be investing time into doing things that are valuable to my person beyond academics or career goals. I meant to post something on that topic two weeks ago but it didn't happen. That happens a lot. Tsk tsk at me. Poems below. One new poem. Two poems I've posted before!
Coffee
There’s something sweeter in my coffee this morning that I usually don’t put in mine Perhaps it’s the taste of your lips that left a residue A residual tenderness I’ve never tasted before. I hope everyone called or texted their mom’s today to wish her a happy Mother’s Day! And if you got to spend today with your mom or your family, that’s awesome. Great moms deserve lots of love from us.
Unfortunately, for many of us Mother’s Day is a brief respite before refocusing our attentions on more urgent matters at hand. The dead days are upon us. That can only mean one thing. Finals. Despite the looming shadow of finals, I hope everyone had a lovely day with family or got to at least wish Mom a happy Mother’s Day and thanked her for being the great human being she is. Nothing is more important than family! Take all that love and supportive energy, and funnel it into your studies for the coming week(s). Here’s to another Sunday Funday (aka the Sunday StuDying Day). SUNDAY FUNDAY “OMG It’s Almost Midnight” Playlist: ( 1 ) “We Don’t Talk Anymore” x Charlie Puth ( 2 ) “Never Be Like You” x Flume ft. Kai ( 3 ) “Bridges” x Broods ( 4 ) “Adrenaline” x Lauv ( 5 ) “Don’t Let Me Down” x The Chainsmokers ft. Daya ( 6 ) “Flawless” x Beyonce ( 7 ) “Run the World (Girls)” x Beyonce ( 8 ) “Hello Bitches” x CL ( 9 ) “Elastic Heart” x Sia (Acoustic) ( 10 ) “Love For That” x Mura Masa ft. Shura It's like I have a weird thing for posting poems at early times in the morning. Perhaps it's when I'm most creative or most bored? And the title has nothing to do with anything? Anyways... I haven't written anything I'm really proud of recently, but a new one just popped up (ha, because that's totally how that works) that I'm okay with. So, I'm sharing it alongside a poem that I wrote a while back that I've already posted here before. Both poems share a common theme, which is why I am posting them together. Something to think about: What divides spending quality time with someone and just being around someone? Happy May 1st!
The picture below is entirely false. So, I had to write something for my social dance class and this was the result. Since I took the time (one hour or so in a bubble tea cafe) to write it, I felt like I might as well post it. Have a lovely Friday! **I apologize for any typos in the text below. Honestly wrote this really quickly and just turned it in as is online so now I don't really want to edit it. Anyone who plays a sport understands the need for someone who is just learning how to play to be open minded, willing to make mistakes, and take criticism. It’s part of how we learn to be better and grow more confident in what we do. Most likely, your form when you first start out won’t be perfect. It might not even be good. Your rhythm might be completely off. Perhaps you just can’t get any shots in the basket or hit a backhand over the net to save your life. So you try and try again. You listen to a coach or mentor. You let them critique you and help you grow. It’s probably also one of the hardest parts about learning anything, but most likely you don’t feel too embarrassed for having to take time to get the hang of something new. Then why are so many people afraid to learn how to dance? Why are so many people quick to give up when they can’t immediately pick up something in dance? For some reason, dancing just makes many people go into panic mode. And I was definitely one of those people. I remember going to the Great Waltz at the Union Ballroom here at UT in the fall because my parents wanted me to hangout with them that weekend for a little bit. I didn’t have an inkling of a clue how to dance. It was lovely watching people have fun on the dance floor, but even though it wasn’t exactly the most interesting time just sitting at a table and watching others, I was too afraid to learn. Experienced dancers offered to teach me and my parents (and their friends) pushed me to go for it. Even if you make mistakes or don’t catch on, they said, it’s worth just trying. But I didn’t want to. No one wants to feel embarrassed or make mistakes, and fear is a strong emotion. I’ve played sports all my life but this was one sport I had no courage to try. However, it was also after that event that I decided I was going to sign up for the social dance class at UT. I loved watching people dance. Whether it be ballroom, ballet, or those hip hop dance covers you see on Youtube, I could always spend hours watching others perform. Maybe it was time for me to try something new. A number of my friends have taken or were taking social dance at UT, and they all had only fantastic things to say about the class. So, why not? It can be scary to be thrust into an environment where most people know what they are doing and start to learn in the moment, but social dance class is nothing like that. Although I had my worries about what would happen. Will I step on everyone’s feet? What if I only have rhythm when it comes to things like music but not dance? What if I am straight up terrible at learning? But I had already signed up for the class and it was the first day. Most people were probably like me, a mixture of excitement and fear playing through their heads. Most people were also beginners at dance in general. Honestly, it was the most comforting feeling to look around to see an ocean of equally confused, hesitant looking faces and knowing we were all in this together. Social dance class at UT is possibly one of my favorite classes. I’ve been here for three years and taken a number of PED classes, but this one is definitely my favorite. You get to learn something new while having lots of fun and meeting new people. There’s absolutely no judgment in the room. Everyone is just starting out so you don’t need to worry about feeling embarrassed or like you’re a failure. Making mistakes or not getting something quite right at first is just part of the learning experience. People are also extremely helpful. There were countless times where I helped someone figure out steps or someone else helped me. There were also times both of us were lost, but the TAs are immensely helpful and you can always ask the couple next to you or just try to look at what others are doing. You’ll also adapt to learning that special skill: learning from observation. Being forced to dance with new people every time also helps take the fear factor away, and makes you figure out how to adjust to others as well as help out others when they need/want help. Of course, you’ll also get better at accepting constructive criticism from other people. Very quickly, your fear of dancing goes away and you’ll become eager to learn another dance and another and another. Even if a certain dance style is more difficult for you to learn than others, it’s still an enjoyable and worthwhile experience. Personally, I’ve never felt super graceful. Despite having decent hand-eye coordination when it comes to sporty things and having lots of musical experience (years of piano and devoting half my young life to competing before realizing I wasn’t into the idea of going professional), the thought of myself dancing any kind of dance seemed ridiculous for the longest time. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I catch on quite quickly and truly love the social dance environment. Even the moments when I didn’t know exactly what was going on were fun and certainly didn’t take away from the overall feeling of awesomeness that comes with learning. Take a chance. Try something you haven’t done before. Leave your fears behind and just go all in. Be confident that you’ll be just fine and have a fabulous time. Trust me, you won’t regret it. You'll probably end up ready to fight for a spot in intermediate social dance during registration. |
Photos used under Creative Commons from emilygoodstein, SandraHintzman, Gonmi, [Alan], mripp, BazzaDaRambler, Infomastern, tedeytan, Biker Jun, Jason M Parrish, garycycles8, jdrephotography, paulius.malinovskis, SanFranAnnie, *ErinBrierley*, Tony Webster, craigmdennis, AngieSix, CallMeWhatEver, nan palmero, lanceeaton01, LisaW123, nan palmero